Hello and welcome back to my blog.
I’m home from an exhausting two day road trip, punctuated by
a red wine with a friend discussing ‘secret
women’s business’ and an express shoe shop at D.F.O with my teenage daughter. I’m
pretty tired and to be honest, I feel like lying around watching the washing
dry.
I have so much day to day ‘stuff’ to catch up on and my
blogging should be a priority, yet I have been edgy and full of procrastination
this morning. A mere two day break from routine and the momentum waned, my
focus scattered and I am confronted with a thousand reasons not to write. It’s
a form of self-sabotage of course, all neatly dressed up in lack of time and
too much busyness. In my heart though, there is the slightest whisper to get on
with it and reconnect to the project. It will be this gentle caress that I
allow to determine my future and not the voices of doubt that so readily hold
court and grab at my awareness. It is within those competing voices that my
first revelation emerged.
The affirmations have shown me just how crowded and unpredictable the mental realm is. Thoughts seem to rise from
nowhere, so much so that they can feel like a barrage of attack without reason. There seems no light or dark, no beginning or end, but instead an
endless passing parade of images derived from the ego life. These images then
trigger feeling, pulling it up from within and suddenly my presence is taken somewhere else, somewhere I
don’t always want to go. Hypnotised by hours of following the white line on the
road trip, I could clearly see that my awareness is distinct from both my
thoughts and my feelings. Moreover I could see that each of those planes are constantly
grabbing at my awareness as though it is a precious prize. I am learning that indeed
it is!
The car trip went something like this. In the middle of
affirming love, I would suddenly encounter awareness of a heinous wrong done to
me years ago, complete with images and attack thoughts. My body tightens
involuntarily and before I could react, dark feelings, triggered by my memory
of the past, rushed in. In an instant, my awareness shifted from love to dark
judgement, and all triggered by an event that was years in the past and that
was not even on my mind.
In the midst of that process, I couldn’t help but wonder why
the hell that memory came in to snap me out of my loved up affirmation. But
more than that, I was perplexed because my conscious thoughts in the moment were all
about love and yet they triggered a deep sense of...well...hate. Who or what was controlling the transmission?
I concluded that it was all my own consciousness, performing rituals to show me where my work is – once again. While I
affirm love, my awareness seeks out those areas within where I am still so
wounded that love cannot enter. It opened up something for me then, but I am
still working with it so will get back to you when it anchors.
Affirmation is great to silence the din and connect to the calm
centre so it is a perfect time to bring to the surface aspects of ourselves
that are not calm. It has shown me that I need to choose diligently where my awareness
will flow, as much as the ego loves to wallow in judgement, especially of
others, that this is a place of ‘anti-love’ within the self and I don't want to live there. That realisation
is the motivation for me to reconnect with this blog in order to reveal more and more of my inner world. I truly want to
explore this in myself and moreover I want to witness the changes that will occur
if I begin to treat my awareness with greater respect.
In a past blog I wrote that perhaps self-respect was the
ultimate expression of self-love. I don’t believe that is true. Now I believe that it is the foundation from where one can begin to journey to true self-love. Even though that road will continue to show me where I am not love, I am
willing to walk that path. The deepest challenge is that there can be no
self-love without loving all others. In contemplating those that have wounded us the most,
to love is the greatest of challenges. It is work worth undertaking. I feel less attached to how things must
look in my life to constitute ‘happy’ and the concept of love is broadening
too. Maybe there is hope for me yet.
I am still working with the love affirmations – because they
reveal so much, but in view of where it has taken me, I am adding this new
focus: It is safe to look within.
Until we next chat, I’d love to hear from you.
Namaste Sally
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