I am safe and I am free - Really????

I am safe and I am free

I chose this affirmation yesterday because I resonated with it in the moment and it articulated beautifully how I was feeling following making peace with much of my past. It was a statement of what I already had, as opposed to an attempt to bring something in. I saw it as a way to extend my good vibe, to consolidate and expand my good feelings and maybe even manifest a little more of the same. Yeah right!

You may recall that my earliest blogs revealed that affirmation and I had a chequered past. In my early days of spiritual exploration, I wasn’t interested in growth that required me to look at myself and ‘do the work’, instead I wanted a quick fix to manifest a beautiful life and affirmations filled that desire. They were supposed to transform everything that was wrong or lacking in my world, to joy and abundance. What I learned however, was that affirmation only showed me where I am not and so where my work is. Worse, I learned that no one was qualified to fix my life but me. So this new affirmation joined its buddies of my past and revealed the areas of my life where I am not aligned to it.

To be honest I should have seen it coming. My core belief is “I fear life” so anything poking around in the realm of safety is going to push some buttons. As for freedom, well that is all tied up with attachment – another area I have being working on, so of course triggers were going to manifest. I might pout or sulk for a while when the proverbial hits the fan under my guard, but in truth, I do truly  love that no amount of positive thought or ‘right’ action will keep your soul from gently manifesting circumstance that urge you to  keep moving inward. It is very cool to have that awareness in acceptance, faith and trust, but please don’t think that I’m anything special; I denied that truth for many years, wandering in circles, until Virgil channeled Your Beautiful Life actually. 

Anyway, how did this affirmation give me a slap? Well I decided to ring a friend who is going through an incredibly challenging time. I check in every few weeks to offer her my support and love and this time I also wanted to organise our lunch date.  Her life changed a few months back when, in the middle of the night, her husband revealed he had been involved in an extramarital affair for 4 years and that he had now decided he wanted out of their marriage to be with the ‘other’ woman. Like most wives busy running the house and kids, supporting him in his career and putting everyone else first – she didn’t see it coming. 

Of course she was humiliated and heartbroken, but it is the shock that was hardest to deal with. She thought she knew him, thought she was living a certain life, with a certain individual, only to find that the past four years had been a farce. The fabric and foundation of her life was ripped from under her leaving a mere toe hold of safety. When we get together, my friend and I try not to brood over the morality of his or ‘the other woman’s’ choices, (as gloriously ego-serving as such judgement can be) for spirituality does transcend morality. There is no point in getting stuck in the realm of who did what to whom, for we all do ‘good’ and ‘bad’. What we must do is look at it karmically (not to be confused with reward and punishment, but rather bringing in old patterning) and work to clear it rather than layer it further in this life or the next.

So once my friend and I get the ego venting out of the way, our discussion always looks at the higher aspects of this challenge and we work together to choose responses that will clear rather than layer further karma with her husband. Yesterday though, our discussions really left me speechless. His actions are simply not of the man I thought I knew. His wife, who let’s face it, is the only one of the three of them who has not consciously chosen this road, is being treated like an enemy to be eliminated. Despite all that they once meant to each other, there is no respect or compassion in this separation and it triggered me deeply. She kept saying "Who is this man and why is he doing this?" I couldn’t answer. I do know he is layering karma anchored in his own youth, rather than facing it, which is a tragedy. I just feel so sad for both of them. 

Of course after our discussion, my thoughts shifted to my own husband and our life together, but it was in feeling where my triggers came in. Five or so years ago my husband and I separated for a few months, for good reason. It was a time of soul searching for me and I believed a time to uphold and honour the essence of who we are and what we mean to each other at a soul level. Despite it being, at that time, the most difficult of challenges, I was determined to hold my light so that I could clear my karma. Once we came to terms with the circumstances that triggered our separation, we dealt with each other with such respect and compassion, even tenderness at times. Initially I thought I didn’t know the man I married and that it was over, but my and his conduct through our time apart assured me that I did, that he was a good man with a strong heart. My friend doesn’t have this assurance, and it makes peace, tough enough amid divorce, impossible. If my husband had treated me as her husband is treating her, I’m not sure if I could have held my light – and in such a huge crossroads, the thought of that makes me shudder. If you can’t hold your light, expect more of the same, in a different form. I am determined to help her get through this with her soul integrity intact.

So yesterday I realised that, despite my thoughts to the contrary, I am still attached to the paradigm of my partner and marriage. I realised that a great deal of my safety resides in the connection I have with him and what we have made together. I ‘m actually a strong person, I have faced down financial crisis, health crisis, family crisis, and problems in my marriage, but if my husband morphed in to a copy of my friends husband, well even thinking about it makes my foundations shake. This sense of safety he gives me stems back to a specific past life, I think I even speak of it in my introduction in my book Your Beautiful Life. Knowing he has supported me through the challenges of this life, knowing that it is our karma playing out and that we have worked with it really just makes me love him more. Having said that, my safety has to come from within, for attachment is the enemy of freedom. This is where my work is.

I will continue with this affirmation in an attempt to manifest more experiences to anchor my safety from within, relinquish attachment and so manifest true freedom.

Namaste

Sally

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au