Strange days indeed

What a strange day today is, following a strange week, month…actually YEAR!

Susie and I seem to be deeply involved in dismantling our ego self-image at the deepest level at the moment. Everything we consult to shine a light on this initiation, from guides to oracles, point to total rebirth heralding a freedom of being that we have never before encountered. It is my belief that our upcoming trip to India will serve to restore to us long forgotten aspects of our higher selves and that our current challenges of surrender and release are preparing the way for this to occur.

Entrenched karmic relationships have fallen away; old patterns have impacted the physical with never before seen vehemence, all creating a tempest of self-doubt and pain as well as hope and excitement. Susie works with power, I with love and both of us walk tenderly, or should that be tentatively, on the path of divine justice. That is manifesting in ways we could never have predicted, operating completely beyond the ego’s demands of ‘right and wrong”... but that is a topic for another day.

So within all this clearing it is no surprise that I came across an old journal of mine from … wait for it …  1995! It’s positively cringe-worthy. I remember some moments from that year, one being watching a terminally ill Ted Whitten farewell the M.C.G in the arms of his son at the AFL State of Origin - a magic moment. I remember being deeply entrenched in my career as a trainer but nothing compared to how desperately I was trying to find my 'spirit'.  I’m still single, though I make mention of my ‘doormat’ relationship returning, so not sure what was going on there. Pretty sure though it will be a reference to my now husband as we were 'off and on' for many years. (And I was the ‘doormat’ in case you’re wondering, though not anymore!). 

What struck me as I read through the pages of my tattered journal was the indecision and fear that characterised, no dominated, my life. This was well before we began work on Your Beautiful Life and it seems I was always polarised and wound tight as I sought ‘right’ action, decisions and choices. Every feeling, every discomfort, every confront had to be eliminated and that had to be done by ‘right choice’. I was so busy analysing my life I’m surprised I had time left to actually live it. 

As I winced over my “3 possibilities” for the angst I was feeling toward one particular mentor and re-read my list of ‘6 things’ I’d learned from my struggle that led me to eventually leave the group that I actually loved, (yes really!) I could only feel immense gratitude that I no longer lived my life in that way. 

The search for ‘right’ response in connection to a desired outcome is one we make forever in vain. To lean in to life as it is in openness, fearlessness, faith and love is the only response that is necessary. If that is too difficult right now because life is too brutal, simply begin by accepting whatever is occurring in your reality right now and breathe into it. Try to respond in a way that breaks the lower response and attachment to those things that we feel all too easily - that is, jealousy, anger and hatred. This can only be done in the moment, one response at a time. However, those responses will gain mass and life WILL expand accordingly ... my dusty, angst filled 1995 journal is witness to that truth.

In all those pages of fear and uncertainty, I found one sentence that is worth sharing here in love. It crystallises the real source of my fear as well as my deepest hope, proof again that the seeds of one are always found in the other and hence we must master both. Avoidance is futile.

“She who cannot howl, will not find her pack” 

It is dated 1/4/95 and I gave it an entire page to itself – such was my reverence for it.

I can’t remember whether I wrote it or was merely repeating it. I really hope I wrote it and given that wolf is my spirit totem and the punctuation is wrong, I think I did!

Until next time, I hope you hear my howls and our pack continues to grow. I’ll meet you all in the energy of the full moon, in the inner planes of awareness.

Namaste

Sally

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au

The grasp of Chiron

Happy New Year everyone! 

Wow, that proves just how long I’ve been absent from this blog; too long. Have I been too busy? Well…not really, after all I’m not writing war and peace. Perhaps I’ve fallen into old habits of poor commitment and zero discipline? No; my determination to keep this blog going for a year has not waned. Better yet, maybe my life has been so loving and gentle that I had nothing of note to write about. Ha! I wish. 

The reason I haven’t shared here is because I have been immersed in deep karmic circumstances, patterns and pain that have come up to be released. It’s been hard work that, to my dismay, kept revealing deeper layers. I have tried to write here, but every time I was thwarted by a sense of inadequacy as I became aware that there was still more awareness that I needed to anchor. I have had to resist the urge to control and instead allow it all to unfold without clinging or manipulating – it was excruciating. How do I know that it’s karmic? Because the terrible outcomes manifested despite my highest intent and conscious action and have left me with a profound sense of groundlessness - that’s how! 

At around age 50, a milestone I have recently reached, the planetoid Chiron, (centaur, wounded healer) completes its 51 year orbit and returns to the exact astrological position of our birth. The alignment triggers our core wounding for this lifetime to support us to bring it to conscious awareness where it can be healed. (If any of you are 50, I would love to hear what your Chiron return triggered in your life, for it is indeed initiating a doorway to healing, no matter how ugly the threshold).

For me, it has been a deeply challenging experience that has left no illusion untouched. The circumstances have been so deep, painful and groundless that it has been impossible to convey their turmoil and gifts within the confines of this blog. Of course it reaches back to the foundation of this life, but further it seeks the depths of my soul that exists beyond this one lifetime and touches the heart of creation. The ego and all it has clung to is being crucified, but the soul, the soul urges me to own it and to find the love within it. I am slowly reaching for higher awareness, slowly seeing the potential. Interestingly, it was in the phase of opening to that beauty where my heart didn’t just break, it shattered!

Amid betrayal, abandonment and abuse from without, I have glimpsed love, support and oneness from within. As the old falls away I can see that the insecurity left in its wake is an opportunity for me to choose anew.  I can glimpse that in not knowing I can open to new awareness and can avoid rigid patterning and responses that I usually would not question. I had to acknowledge where my highest intent has brought deep pain and have opened with courage to understand why – it is messy and painful to do so. I can now finally embody the truth that any semblance of control or right action is an illusion of the grandest kind. My desire to ‘fix’ has been thwarted and my happy ending decimated so I have had no choice but to immerse myself fully in the pain in each moment. I’ve had nowhere to hide so have wallowed until I resembled a prune - but it has taken me where I needed to go.

So much has cleared and in so doing so much has been revealed. As I have said, the detail cannot be contained within this blog, but I know for sure that I would never have been able to navigate these past weeks without resorting to blame, denial and endless stories if not for the work of YBL. It has helped me to lean into the pain rather than deny it or push it away. I am learning to be in life as it is, in each moment. Soon it will be time for me to emerge from my cocoon, open my wounds the air and begin a new life. In about a month I go to India, a destination that was seeded in me when I was about 21. I have great hope (but no attachment) that I will find some sort of truth there and that this time of tribulation has been toiling the ground to enable the seeds of truth to be planted. So let it be!

I’m very happy to be connecting here again and I hope I can resume more regular sharing from now on. Thanks for your patience and support.

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au 

Namaste

Sally.