There's something about Mary

I’ve been absent from here I know. The truth is that I have had nothing to write about. Not much has triggered me, even though I’ve had my share of dramas don’t worry about that. Last weekend my daughter ended up back in a wrist cast having had it removed only 5 weeks ago (the cast not the wrist). My hubby went to hospital for what was supposed to be a day procedure that resulted in a four day stay as he lay in agony trying to give birth to gravel. Then my best friend shared bad news regarding her gorgeous Mother’s health and through it all I was marvelling at how detached I was … as I kept stuffing my face.  Oh what a giveaway! I can now see that my detachment was not real but instead an outcome of being so triggered and so groundless that I just shut-down, pushed down and so blocked out the world. This write is my attempt to put the chocolate down and invite the world back in!

As confronting as these family circumstances have been, they are not the foundation of my deep groundlessness – that special place is always reserved for my spiritual work, given everything that occurs on the surface is a reflection of that. The truth is I have been ready and willing for some months now to give it all away, for many reasons most of which I won’t go into here. It’s not that I have lost my passion for all things spiritual; it is instead that I feel as though I have reached the point where I can ask no more of myself as a facilitator and channel. Furthermore, I personally have reached a point in my own development that is so deep, so unique and so tender that it is reflected in most everyone I meet. Ironically, that tender awareness is where my genuine detachment is begining to emerge, because the surface ego stuff simply can’t touch it. We’ve all got to find that soft place within and no one can do it for us.  

I felt the groundlessness of this phase enter when I was in India as I recognised that I can’t offer anyone ‘the answer’ to their tenderness because each ‘question’ is absolutely unique and distinct. So what am I doing I wondered and should I be even doing it? But I need to be busy for my sanity, so I’ve gone as far as to prepare a resume so I can return to the regular workforce which will mean an end to my Melbourne visits and so the wonderful events we run there. I have never been quite so groundless because I would be walking away from nearly 30 years of dedicated practice. Is this the next initiation for me, to just let it all go?

So in-between contemplating what to eat, I have spent time, albeit reluctantly, in spiritual practice and ritual looking for my doorway. Then today I got this in my inbox.

“Just saying, I love you Sally Mackay. Feeling is healing. And I feel healed because of Virgil, Susie and your amazing work. I’m so grateful that I have found my courage and no longer run from my feeling. Without the amazing work of YBL I would not have learnt to do that. I can now feel love in the moment”.  Mary

We met Mary at our very first YBL intensive, many years ago now. She showed up with her beautiful sister at her side and with her red cardigan on inside out. She spent the weekend crying constantly, releasing decades of tears as we witnessed her opening her heart to the love in YBL and turning away in unworthiness, confusion and pain. But she persevered. She did the intensive again, this time looking glam with her clothes on straight and absolutely nailed it. She has introduced many people to our work by the shining example she presents from embodying empowered change in her own life. She is right now taking two groups through the course process and continues to work on staying open, loving and free.

Now I have to admit that Mary holds a special place in my heart.  It is also true however that all our YBL tribe do, as each open heart we connect with leaves an indelible mark on the whole and as such everyone has in some way expanded, deepened or crystallised the direction of YBL at any given time. In fact I have such special memories of so many people as they have shared their inner world in the soul channelling space that I could probably write a blog about each of you…maybe I will - I’ll call it 365 days of tribal love! 

Yet Mary has helped me enormously. You see she is an ‘unloved’ and I was raised by a mother with the same core belief. My mother’s response was to be abusive and manipulative and Mary showed me the other side to that core belief, an open, tender side that has helped me to soften in return. In fact I remember Susie saying to me as I was writing what was initially a very ugly summary of the “I am unloved” paradigm for the core beliefs chapter – “Sally you’re writing about your mother, you have to soften it; think of Mary”. And so I did and now it is a balanced account rather than the ranting of my inner child.

Thanks Mary for your testimonial today. Maybe I will hang in there for a little longer with this mission to expand our YBL reach, because the heart connection I have to you and so many others in our tribe makes it all worthwhile…doesn’t it?

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au 

Namaste

Sally

The perfect rant - just as it is

I can hardly believe it, but this blog was inspired by something I came across in my Facebook newsfeed.

Usually, I only have time to check out the headlines in Facebook, but this was shared by a friend I respect, (soul sista’ kind of respect) so I figured it would be something I’d resonate with. I broke my absent minded scrolling and clicked read more. Instead of finding resonance, I recoiled from what felt like a slap in the face. This is an excerpt of what I found.

Everyone's a fucking blogger
Every Dick Jane Harry is a writer
Every jack ass with a typewriter app is a poet
Every thirteen-year-old who has an iPhone is a photographer
Every thirty-year-old white woman has quit her Job to become a yoga teacher

...we say namaste (sic) without knowing what it means

Okay, you get it, but it didn’t stop there; it went on to scoff at our relationship with everything from Reiki to gluten free, cacao to feather wearing hippies, always inferring it was shallow and self-serving at best, dishonest and manipulative at worst. It is a piece where words like asshole and esoteric appear in the same sentence and the beautiful wisdom of Rumi is reduced to pop culture. It wasn’t written by a cynical spiritual atheist, but rather it came from the pen of ‘one of us’ and that was perhaps the most confronting aspect of all. It was like witnessing a mother turn on her young.

I understand that I cannot know the motive of this write and I have no desire to make assumptions so I should point out that what I write here is also all about me, not the author. Despite knowing this, I can’t deny it made an impact. I didn’t feel attacked, I wasn’t hurt, enraged or even annoyed but I was moved and well, that makes her a good writer. My comment on the post was “Wow harsh, but then it's all in the eye of the beholder yes?”  I’ve been around spiritual circles for 30 plus years so I understood where she was coming from…and from where I sat, it looked like a whole lot of judgement - the 'dirtiest' word in spirituality! 

You see, I have been the feather wearing hippie, I drink cacao, I blog and I love yoga; if I was any good at poetry I’d probably try that too. There was so much of me in her rant on one level, but none of me on another. Yes there are plenty of people undertaking spiritual practice superficially, but there are also a great many diving in to the sanctity and depth of self in utmost integrity – and we don’t get to say who’s who; to do so, in my opinion, is the most superficial act of all.

We all know the path to self-realisation is inward. Why shouldn’t someone write poetry if it takes them to their soul, where they can cleanse pain or find beauty? Why can’t someone share their thoughts in a blog and open to the exquisite vulnerability of sharing their inner truth? Isn’t it courageous for the white woman to quit her job to teach yoga? Maybe, just maybe, she is confronting her biggest fears in the process. I can tell you, if she went to India to do so, her life has been irrevocably changed, her self-awareness deepened, so I say good on you. 

Our judgement rises to show us where our work is. I have been working on mine for ever and have cleared a great deal, but of course there is always more work to do. There was one person who deeply wronged me some 5 years ago. I had moved on in every area of my life except in my judgement of them. While I knew it had to shift, I also knew that it had to be a genuine inner response and not merely some superficial overlay. When my judgement of this person would rise to my awareness I would laugh at myself, struck by how delicious, sticky and self-serving it was – no wonder I couldn’t let it go! It took my recent trip to India, with all its struggles, challenges, desire and beauty for me to find that place of connection within and my judgement for them lifted like a puff of smoke...pouf, just gone. I have, of course, freed myself, no one else.

Here’s an idea. Why don’t we applaud the pathways that people undertake to get conscious even if they are well worn and ‘unoriginal?’ Why don’t we celebrate their leap of faith, their efforts to get clear, all while we whisper in their ear to seek the light within? When things go wrong and they get caught up in illusion and betrayal instead of truth and support, let’s drop the arrogance of trying to correct them and instead trust that the grace of their soul will manifest whatever experience is required for them to reset and re-group. If that experience is heart-break, why not share the burden and hold the space for them to keep their heart open where their inner voice of wisdom awaits. After all, haven't we all floundered in illusion, haven't we all walked with regret?

Thanks for the piece J Robinson, it has helped me identify who I want to become in my spiritual practice. It turned my awareness inward and that means your write is perfect, just as it is.

Namaste (and I know what the means)

Sally

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au