I’ve been absent from here I know. The truth is that I have
had nothing to write about. Not much has triggered me, even though I’ve had my share
of dramas don’t worry about that. Last weekend my daughter ended up back in a
wrist cast having had it removed only 5 weeks ago (the cast not the wrist). My
hubby went to hospital for what was supposed to be a day procedure that resulted
in a four day stay as he lay in agony trying to give birth to gravel. Then my
best friend shared bad news regarding her gorgeous Mother’s health and through
it all I was marvelling at how detached I was … as I kept stuffing my face. Oh what a giveaway! I can now see that my
detachment was not real but instead an outcome of being so triggered and so
groundless that I just shut-down, pushed down and so blocked out the world. This
write is my attempt to put the chocolate down and invite the world back in!
As confronting as these family circumstances have been, they
are not the foundation of my deep groundlessness – that special place is always
reserved for my spiritual work, given everything that occurs on the surface is
a reflection of that. The truth is I have been ready and willing for some
months now to give it all away, for many reasons most of which I won’t go into
here. It’s not that I have lost my passion for all things spiritual; it is
instead that I feel as though I have reached the point where I can ask no more
of myself as a facilitator and channel. Furthermore, I personally have reached
a point in my own development that is so deep, so unique and so tender that it is
reflected in most everyone I meet. Ironically, that tender awareness is where
my genuine detachment is begining to emerge, because the surface ego stuff simply can’t
touch it. We’ve all got to find that soft place within and no one can do it for
us.
I felt the groundlessness of this phase enter when I was in
India as I recognised that I can’t offer anyone ‘the answer’ to their
tenderness because each ‘question’ is absolutely unique and distinct. So what
am I doing I wondered and should I be even doing it? But I need to be busy for
my sanity, so I’ve gone as far as to prepare a resume so I can return to the
regular workforce which will mean an end to my Melbourne visits and so the
wonderful events we run there. I have never been quite so groundless because I
would be walking away from nearly 30 years of dedicated practice. Is this the
next initiation for me, to just let it all go?
So in-between contemplating what to eat, I have spent time,
albeit reluctantly, in spiritual practice and ritual looking for my doorway. Then
today I got this in my inbox.
“Just
saying, I love you Sally Mackay. Feeling is healing. And I feel healed because
of Virgil, Susie and your amazing work. I’m so grateful that I have found my courage
and no longer run from my feeling. Without the amazing work of YBL I would not
have learnt to do that. I can now feel love in the moment”. Mary
We met Mary at our very first YBL
intensive, many years ago now. She showed up with her beautiful sister at her
side and with her red cardigan on inside out. She spent the weekend crying
constantly, releasing decades of tears as we witnessed her opening her heart to
the love in YBL and turning away in unworthiness, confusion and pain. But she persevered.
She did the intensive again, this time looking glam with her clothes on
straight and absolutely nailed it. She has introduced many people to our work
by the shining example she presents from embodying empowered change in her own
life. She is right now taking two groups through the course process and
continues to work on staying open, loving and free.
Now I have to admit that Mary holds a
special place in my heart. It is also true
however that all our YBL tribe do, as each open heart we connect with leaves an
indelible mark on the whole and as such everyone has in some way expanded,
deepened or crystallised the direction of YBL at any given time. In fact I have
such special memories of so many people as they have shared their inner world in
the soul channelling space that I could probably write a blog about each of you…maybe
I will - I’ll call it 365 days of tribal love!
Yet Mary has helped me enormously. You see
she is an ‘unloved’ and I was raised by a mother with the same core belief. My
mother’s response was to be abusive and manipulative and Mary showed me the
other side to that core belief, an open, tender side that has helped me to
soften in return. In fact I remember Susie saying to me as I was writing what
was initially a very ugly summary of the “I am unloved” paradigm for the core
beliefs chapter – “Sally you’re writing about your mother, you have to soften
it; think of Mary”. And so I did and now it is a balanced account rather than
the ranting of my inner child.
Thanks Mary for your testimonial today.
Maybe I will hang in there for a little longer with this mission to expand our YBL
reach, because the heart connection I have to you and so many others in our
tribe makes it all worthwhile…doesn’t it?
Namaste
Sally
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