Happy New Year everyone!
Wow, that proves just how long I’ve
been absent from this blog; too long. Have I been too busy? Well…not really,
after all I’m not writing war and peace. Perhaps I’ve fallen into old habits of
poor commitment and zero discipline? No; my determination to keep this blog
going for a year has not waned. Better yet, maybe my life has been so loving
and gentle that I had nothing of note to write about. Ha! I wish.
The reason I haven’t shared here is because I have been
immersed in deep karmic circumstances, patterns and pain that have come up to be
released. It’s been hard work that, to my dismay, kept revealing deeper layers.
I have tried to write here, but every time I was thwarted by a sense of
inadequacy as I became aware that there was still more awareness that I needed to
anchor. I have had to resist the urge to control and instead allow it all to unfold
without clinging or manipulating – it was excruciating. How do I know that it’s
karmic? Because the terrible outcomes manifested despite my highest intent and conscious
action and have left me with a profound sense of groundlessness - that’s how!
At around age 50, a milestone I have recently reached, the planetoid
Chiron, (centaur, wounded healer) completes its 51 year orbit and returns to
the exact astrological position of our birth. The alignment triggers our core
wounding for this lifetime to support us to bring it to conscious awareness
where it can be healed. (If any of you are 50, I would love to hear what your Chiron
return triggered in your life, for it is indeed initiating a doorway to healing,
no matter how ugly the threshold).
For me, it has been a deeply challenging experience that has
left no illusion untouched. The circumstances have been so deep, painful and groundless
that it has been impossible to convey their turmoil and gifts within the
confines of this blog. Of course it reaches back to the foundation of this
life, but further it seeks the depths of my soul that exists beyond this one lifetime
and touches the heart of creation. The ego and all it has clung to is being
crucified, but the soul, the soul urges me to own it and to find the love
within it. I am slowly reaching for higher awareness, slowly seeing the
potential. Interestingly, it was in the phase of opening to that beauty where my
heart didn’t just break, it shattered!
Amid betrayal, abandonment and abuse from without, I have
glimpsed love, support and oneness from within. As the old falls away I can see
that the insecurity left in its wake is an opportunity for me to choose anew.
I can glimpse that in not knowing I can open to new awareness and
can avoid rigid patterning and responses that I usually would not question. I
had to acknowledge where my highest intent has brought deep pain and have opened with
courage to understand why – it is messy and painful to do so. I can now finally
embody the truth that any semblance of control or right action is an illusion
of the grandest kind. My desire to ‘fix’ has been thwarted and my happy ending
decimated so I have had no choice but to immerse myself fully in the pain in
each moment. I’ve had nowhere to hide so have wallowed until I resembled a
prune - but it has taken me where I needed to go.
So much has cleared and in so doing so much has been
revealed. As I have said, the detail cannot be contained within this blog, but
I know for sure that I would never have been able to navigate these past weeks without
resorting to blame, denial and endless stories if not for the work of YBL. It
has helped me to lean into the pain rather than deny it or push it away. I am
learning to be in life as it is, in each moment. Soon it will be time for me to
emerge from my cocoon, open my wounds the air and begin a new life. In about a
month I go to India, a destination that was seeded in me when I was about 21. I
have great hope (but no attachment) that I will find some sort of truth there
and that this time of tribulation has been toiling the ground to enable the
seeds of truth to be planted. So let it be!
I’m very happy to be connecting here again and I hope I can
resume more regular sharing from now on. Thanks for your patience and support.
Namaste
Sally.
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