I’ve been absent I know and I apologise. It is partly
because of school holidays and the call of pool volleyball, shopping and movies,
but mostly because I have just been so busy being, well, happy… (aaand it’s
gone). So I’ve returned because now I have something to write about that doesn’t
involve my family pool games and my superior serve!
For some time I have been working with purification of my
ego, power centre and intent –well really we all have been, whether we know it or not.
There’s no magic formula to do this and certainly no right, wrong or moral righteousness
that one can cling to. Purification is a process that emerges in grace from a
deep heart connection to the unique, intimate journey each individual is on – a
journey that appears to be shrouded in confusion and injustice for most of us. However, our higher self orchestrates this
process through the events of our lives and accordingly, we truly need to turn into all our circumstances, rather than
away from them. Hence spirituality is nothing more than opening to all aspects
of the human journey- as it is. This
is the only way we can recognise the opportunities that abound in every now
moment, each offering us a doorway to heal our own injustice and confusion. As we seek
our higher awareness we begin to realise that it is also seeking us – everywhere,
in the here now of life.
The past year has been challenging for almost everyone I
know. For me, it has been a dance between the, at times unbearable intensity of
the purification fire and the wonderment of rebirth. I have marvelled at the open
hearted awareness I have anchored. I have wavered in the integrity of my
responses of course, however have been delighted when I could disconnect from
power plays, reach out and connect when my heart guided me to and soften the
ego’s protests and judgements with a simple willingness to be vulnerable. I
felt that I was beginning to live, for the most part, (traffic not included) a more
loving awareness and perhaps had even managed to solidify one or two higher
responses patterns. At the same time, my life reflected a calm grace that was a
delight to witness and was greatly appreciated.
Through the inevitable triggers and initiations of this
period, I remained mindful of a one sentence utterance from the Guru Maharajji
- “Never put anyone out of your heart.” While simple to contemplate, in practice
this statement is particularly challenging, revealing and humbling. It
definitely helped me to stay present and focussed every time I wanted to
condemn someone, even when their actions were deplorable and the ego felt
justified; but it also created an ongoing experience of groundlessness that I
admit I have been struggling with.
There is no doubt that certain people in my life need to be
removed and in addition, there are others who will choose to remove themselves
from me. Okay I accept that, it’s all part of life as we bump, push and whack each
other while we fumble through our purification pathways. The groundlessness for
me arose from two considerations:
1.
How do I throw someone toxic out of my life
without resorting to throwing them out of my heart like I really want to, and
2.
How do I let go of someone I love who leaves me and
avoid the pain of continuing to carry them in my heart? My lower response wants
to make them bad so that they take
the love with them when they leave.
So these questions have been on my mind and yet they can’t
be satisfied there – believe me I’ve tried! They can only be answered with the
heart, because that is where the love is. Where I have continued to love people,
even while they harm me, my life becomes darker, complicated, harder and
fraught with deceit and betrayal. When I have opened to the love I feel for
those who have thrown me away, the pain of abandonment was excruciating. So I
sat in that groundlessness, looking for an authentic way to experience the
truth of Maharajji’s command,
without burying or projecting my feelings or condemning others. It was all pretty
sticky.
All I could do was surrender and keep looking for the higher self
initiations as they entered my normal day to day life, revealing the doorway into my
own inner wisdom. Of course, just when I thought I had a
handle on things, it all changed and I was reminded, somewhat brutally, that initiation can
never, ever be pre-empted. For this reason, I have never been so convinced of
the need to know and understand our core belief and the patterns that feed it in
order to open in worthiness and awareness to our own unique ascension roadmap. Once
again, knowing my core belief and recognising its manifestation in the physical
has allowed me to open to my life events – and grow.
This initiation was physically benign compared to the police
stand-off I recently found myself and in which I was relatively unphased. Ironically however, it triggered a
tsunami of feeling and verbal accusation in my response that came from the
depths of my inner child and roared its way out for the first time in 50 years!
I imagine it was like an exorcism. I was shocked by my outrage, my hurt and my
utter disbelief and just as I was about to condemn myself for failing to hold
my light amid a toxic situation, spirit gifted me with the following quote:
Only the heart can
contain both our perfection and our humanity ~ Jack Kornfield
Thankfully it changed everything.
To be continued ….
Namaste Sally
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