In my last blog I explored the futility of trying to identify
‘right’ action or even ‘right’ intent insofar as we connect it to cause and effect
and a desired outcome. I have had a direct test of my conviction this week.
One of my friends attends an early morning class that
supports mind, body and soul and invited me to join her to try it out. I was looking
for a new challenge and it seemed that this opportunity arose in response. I
had not met the teacher, but I knew of
her because she was an ‘enemy’ of another of my friends. The bad blood between
them is not merely some catty disagreement, but instead a tsunami of hurt and
pain that has changed lives. According to the ego’s position which most of us
ascribe to, my friend is the ‘victim’, the other the ‘betrayer’; one is ‘right’
the other ‘wrong’, ‘innocent’ and ‘guilty’… I’m sure you get it; we’re all
capable of moral outrage when it suits us. It took me weeks to decide, but I
attended the class a few times amid a fair bit of struggle as I tried to
reconcile my genuine desire to be there and the implied loyalty to my friend
and what that actually translated to in terms of 'right' decisions.
Even though nearly a year had passed since her betrayal first
manifested, each time I saw my friend these lines were deepening as she clung
to her self-righteousness – I couldn’t blame her. She’s been through the wringer
and I genuinely understood her position, I think we all do, for who hasn’t been
smashed by heartbreaking betrayal in their own life? However, to relate to another’s pain is one
thing, but to feed the feelings of jealousy, betrayal, anger, resentment that
characterise it, is not helpful. I worried often whether my friend would ever
leave her pain in the past and winced as I watched it spread into other areas
of her life – her present and probably her future.
I tried to support my friend in the same way that I have
supported myself through times of deep angst. Firstly by recognising that while
few of us consciously invite pain into our lives, it is an inevitable part of
the human journey. Further, that when events occur that are profoundly life changing then they are
karmic. This means that it is deep soul work, ‘our stuff’ coming in to be cleared and while we are temporarily
stuck with it, we are by no means helpless in how we respond to it. We begin by
owning the journey that it initiates – no matter how ugly the circumstances or
how victimised we perceive ourselves.
When we overly identify with the events themselves and
fortify our position of ‘right and wrong’, we set up home there, get stuck and inevitably
become imprisoned by our own pain, judgement and self-righteousness. It causes
us to project our pain into other areas of our life, which leads to sabotage and deep
disempowerment. Soon we wonder why more and more situations in our life reflect
our pain and we resign that we just have to ‘get through’ another round of
challenges. Eventually it can feel as though our whole life is unsupported –
maybe then we can turn our focus inward, let go of self-righteousness and in so
doing, save ourselves.
In truth every circumstance has the potential to set us
free, even those that cause us the most pain – maybe especially them. My advice
has been to look carefully at her responses so as not to layer karma. We spoke
of the farmer whose impatience for his crop to grow caused him to ‘pull the
shoots’ and ruin them before they could take root. This means to avoid the temptation
to manipulate and control in order to be heard or ‘get even’ and instead to
allow the events to unfold in their own time in their own way. The only control
we have is over our responses and it is in our interest to separate them from
the events and let them rise from our wounded, loving heart. I thought I was ‘there’
for her – but then everything changed.
I try to avoid lying, even by omission, so over a meal I
revealed to my friend that I had tried the class run by her nemesis. She completely lost it!
Did I know it would challenge her? Of course. To the extent that it did? No way! Her entrenched position of right and wrong was now absolute, so my simple intent
to try out a new class with another friend became an act of betrayal toward her.
While I understood my choice was a trigger for her, the acute pain she was
experiencing was not born of the moment – how could it be? - but was instead being
pulled from the depths of her heart that was broken nearly a year ago. My simple-intentioned
and non-eventful association with her enemy became an act of betrayal so great
that it has ruined a friendship. This is the power of feeling, if it is not
journeyed it just keeps coming up again and again in different physical guises,
carrying more weight, creating more suffering until we cease projecting it ‘out
there’ and bring it to rest in our own heart. It can be excruciating, but to
feel it, to own it, is to set it free so we can move on. It is the truth behind
the Anais Nin quote; “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
I have spent a good portion of my life attempting to overcome
my own feelings of judgement, hatred, anger and resentment toward people who
have actually done deliberate or unwitting harm to me. I do this because I
understand that lower feelings like those mentioned are the foundations of ‘hell’
and so support it to anchor into our lives and I don’t want to do that. I
simply could not join my friend in shunning or hating this person, for it is in
opposition to the loving awareness that I seek, albeit imperfectly, in my life.
This is no way detracts from the fact that I deplore this other woman’s actions
and the impact they have had on my friend, but I am no one’s judge and jury. I
try to avoid the arrogance of claiming to know the true intent of another or
what is in their heart, but instead just work on my own.
We don’t have to ‘correct’ people; their soul has that covered
and all of us get the learning at the right time in the right way that
absolutely transcends the ‘right’ ego. As spiritual beings, we are all working
with enormous challenges as we master our humanity and ALL of us have made
poor choices along the way that have harmed others and ourselves. Hiding from
those lower choices, denying them and justifying them away as isolated events that ‘happen’ to
us, will simply ensure that their
affects will emerge somewhere else, at some other time. We call it karma.
Karma is not reward and punishment, but purification. If we cling
to notions of karma as a force of retribution then we will never find peace. If our happiness or release is dependent upon
bearing witness to the suffering of others, even if we consider it deserved and
call it ‘karma’, then we are in deep denial of our true loving self and we are
residing in hell. I will go to hell with my friends to share the burden and
assist them where I can, as many have done for me. But I will not live there. Instead
I will use my pain as a way to know the truth of my love, a love that can be shaken
but not destroyed by the imperfect, even callous action of myself or others. As
I have wrestled with my guilt and blame over choosing the class, the simple practice of returning to my heart and affirming my
clear intent has opened me to deeper awareness. May we all recognise that each
stone we throw at another will find its way back to us until finally, we
willingly lay it down and so usher in peace.
Namaste
Sally
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