Well-come to India

Susie and I arrived India with the joy and hope of the westerner that has totally immersed themselves in the romanticism of eastern spiritual text. The concept of ‘guru’ was particularly compelling to us, not as a way out, but as a way in.

We were hoping to pass through on our travels as observers, allowing our experiences to unfold organically. The image of India we have long held in our hearts is one of spiritual purity, however this beauty like all others is definitely in the eye of the beholders. Our intent to know the ‘real’ India has taken us on a journey that has shattered that illusion within the first six days, which is perhaps her greatest gift to us… oh the irony! 

The moment we landed we were co-creating within a reality for which we had no point of reference beyond our respect and reverence for the best of the culture. Trying to locate it however amid the din of the everyday India is deeply confronting and challenging.

Now we’re not referring to the filth and shit on the streets, the beggars or poverty, the traffic, noxious diesel fumes or heat - all of that is tempered by the colour, beauty and spontaneity of the people, it is fascinating and fills the heart. We are referring to the need to protect and defend yourself at every turn, to push back resolute and firm which is a direct polarity of what we thought would unfold. We learned quickly that as two white women we needed to cultivate an armour if we wanted to immerse ourselves here… without it, you best take a tour bus.

So the ‘assault’ many friends warned us about has not been so much to the physical senses. Instead it has emerged once again from confronting polarity while trying to hold our spiritual truth. No easy task in a place of such overpowering extremes and complex social mores.

At the time of writing we are nearly halfway through our holiday in search of spiritual unfoldment. Ironically what we have often been greeted with is an extreme representation of what many perceive is the worst aspects of western culture… the lust for money, racial stereotyping and superiority. It has been exhausting and deeply revealing to meet our illusions in this way. It proves once again that no matter where you are, the journey is always an inside job.

Do we still cling to ideas that India is superior to the western materialism we come from? No. Do we entertain the notion that people here live a deeper spiritual understanding due to the suffering they endure? No. This awareness has bridged the separation we had unconsciously cultivated between our own spirituality and that of the ‘guru’. A comparison that left us always coming up short. Never again will we uphold this illusion. So thank you India for gifting our own culture back to us and supporting the acceptance of ‘what is’ and where we are.

We have visited temples, sat in ancient meditation caves, met sadhus, learned from a Hanuman monkey master and sat before an extraordinary psychic masquerading as a guru. We have also experienced the reverence of what is considered the most beautiful man made structure, the Taj Mahal. Yet, what we thought we were looking for has not come via any of these experiences, as guided and beautiful as they were. Our learning has instead emerged from the more distasteful aspects such as scams that are both endemic and unrelenting and which rise from a system that is often invisible to the western psyche. The racial judgement and assumptions about western women, particularly travelling without a male are frequently confronting.

In the experience of these polarities of great beauty and great pain our hearts have broken open. Ironically, the culture pushes us to retract and close just like our own often does. Frankly, to remain open is bloody hard work! We now sit ripe with emptiness and a lack of intent as to what will unfold for the remainder of our journey.

So it is midday here and we are about to enter the desert city of Jodhpur. Another afternoon and evening of wandering in utterly fantastic chaos. We know now that we are working with personal power. It is so ironic to come from the safety a western culture to a developing nation to claim our power don’t you think? As always spirit shakes our patterns in ways that we can never prepare for, but fortunately the cost is only to ego which then exposes the gift of soul. Tomorrow we drive deeper into desert of our Rajasthan road trip! Now that we have our power in place…bring it on.

Sally and Susie

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au

You've got to be willing to lose everything to gain yourself.

I am on the precipice of a significant turning point in my life…or am I?

I have pursued a ‘spiritual’ path since I was a child, despite having no religious influence from my family environment. I was free to explore, so I hitched a ride to Sunday school with one of my primary school friends for a while. It wasn’t all colouring in and singing because I recall that I cultivated a good amount of fear during that phase and often prayed for forgiveness because I was not christened. Perhaps it is surprising that I actually widened my search rather than retreated from it, given the first seeds that were planted were fearful. 

As a teenager, I would always invite those door knocking, pamphlet carrying evangelists into my home for a chat as I was deeply interested in their perspective and even a little envious of the surety of their faith. During my teens I explored, to varying degrees, many religions from Jehovah’s Witness, Mormon, Church of England (as it was known then) to Catholicism. None of them were a good fit for me.

By the time I was 20 I came across an Indian based philosophy called Raja Yoga and began to visit the local education centre. It was run by two young male monks who offered a foundation course outlining their principles and practices as well as meditation training. I attended weekly classes and many meditations. My favourite was the early morning practices. We would gather before sunrise so we could tune into God without interference from the ‘lower’ energies of anger, urgency and competition that would infiltrate the psychic environment when the population awoke. I felt like I had a secret inside me, the secret of soul; and I positively glowed! 

The centre had a dedicated meditation room and mounted high on the wall was an odd looking light shade that bathed the room in a warm and muted orange glow. At its centre was a minute dot of vibrant pure white light - it was, according to the monks, fashioned in the image of soul. As we always meditated open eyed, it gave us something to focus on while we released our thoughts and opened our hearts. 

I particularly loved Sundays because we had special meditations that included a lecture and discussion. Sometimes on Saturday nights we took long walks along the beach, marveling at the stars, contemplating life and sharing our secrets. During this time I was so ‘high-on-life’ that my parents asked me if I was taking drugs – I wasn’t – not then anyway!  Still, the centre was almost as addictive as a substance and my hook was compounded by the fact that I had developed a huge crush on one of the (celibate) monks. Having yet to come to terms with a difficult childhood, it was probably the first time in my life that I felt safe - no wonder I was in love!

I became deeply entrenched in this way of life and was preparing to take leave from work and travel to India to attend the Brahma Kumaris Spiritual University to immerse myself more fully into the heart of the teachings. As soon as the decision was made however, I was confronted with what I considered to be an insurmountable road block. As I ventured deeper into the Raja Yoga doctrine, I came across certain beliefs that I could not accept – not ever. I couldn’t ignore them and I couldn’t fake it, so I felt compelled to let go and I walked away. While I was desperate to feel safe, there was a greater yearning in me to find a spiritual ideology that didn't cause me to roll my eyes while uttering an incredulous, “Are you serious?" and unfortunately, this wasn't it. While Raja Yoga could not satisfy my desire for faith, it opened me to soul consciousness and changed the course of my spiritual seeking from then on. In time, I found wonderful teachers of the ‘new age’ and began the journey into the self, not hampered by rules, authority or hierarchy. That exploration continued for 30 years and continues to expand.

As I dabbled in the 'new age' it was inevitable that I would come across a few psychics.  There is one that stands out because I was told many accurate things, three of which are significant to where I am now. I was told:

1. I had recently been joined by a guide called 'Virgil' who was here to teach me all about spirit. 

2. The man I was dating wasn't 'the one' and I would end up marrying an ex-boyfriend.

3. I was a 'dumb bunny' because I had set myself a challenging road in that  I had opted to get all my soul lessons over and done with in the first half of my life. 

The first two have definitely come to pass, but I have been waiting ages for that proverbial 'halfway' line in my life to materialise! The mark that would signal the end of the darkest days and the beginning of a period of graceful fruition. After hoping for it for years and meeting so many false flags, I tentatively think that time might now be upon me. It’s not to say that life will not continue to have its challenges, but my perception around them has irrevocably altered. Once again, the change I was looking for 'out there' was working its way out from within. We all know this,  but we often seem to stubbornly resist. My resistance took me deep into soul.

Mid to late 2015 my attraction to Indian philosophy rebirthed as I re-connected to the teachings. With the maturity of 30 years of spiritual practice, the principles now resonated with the deepest parts of me.  How ironic that it was I who had to take the journey inward to truly understand the gift of the teachings. It was as though the flame had been quietly waiting to be re-ignited and as I immersed myself deeper into Indian ideas, the groundlessness I had been battling for months finally started to shift. Susie had also been plagued with a deep unidentified unease, and soon we decided that not just a holiday, but a spiritual pilgrimage to India was necessary. However, within a mere few weeks of making that decision, I would once again be confronted with an insurmountable road-block. This time it was around my health, and soon after, Susie was faced with her own challenges in this area. Our respective travails would keep us both immersed in dark and profound initiation for about a year. They manifested as the deepest challenges of our lives by far - and we have by no means had an easy past!

As we separately journeyed our health or lack of, it's fair to say that we were stripped bare and as our foundations gave way, we were left more vulnerable than we had ever been. In surrendering to our life though, we were able to embody the truth that within ego vulnerability births the strength of soul. We both knew that our lives were forever changed. Our new world that is emerging in the aftermath of our trials is one of pregnant possibility and great potential. Now, as we prepare to re-enter our ego lives, we are doing so via...you guessed it; a pilgrimage to India. Finally!

Travel changes you no matter what form it takes, but this trip is a special one for me, for us; on so many levels. Susie and I have walked the spiritual path together for around 20 years, through an intense and seemingly unrelenting purification fire – in fact there is not much that we haven't traversed. It is divinely significant that we are still here, together, continuing to seek the light and hold it in our heart. Both of us are eager to meet the phoenix that will rise from the ashes of our trials of the last year. I cannot speak for Susie, but I know I have learned to be present in the moment, to cultivate detachment and flow; but most importantly, I have finally anchored the inner faith, trust and willingness to be in my life as it is. These are qualities that I have long been seeking authentically, not as 'right' action but as a genuine expression of self. I do feel that my life is at a positive confluence that heralds a turning point. The only flash of fear I can sense is rising from the question 'What if I'm wrong and nothing changes?" - But then so much has already changed.  

I know this blog is longer than usual and if you've made it this far, thank you! I wanted to convey the true significance of this trip and share the foundations for it that reach back to the beginning of my spiritual journey in this life and touch my deeper purpose. Further, it is significant that I have previously had two thwarted attempts to fulfill this travel ambition, yet in this now time, following such deep trials, it is coming to fruition. That just has to mean something don't you think?!  

As I reflect over my life and the consistent challenges that characterised the past I can now see the support that has been present throughout. Mostly it is my connection to Susie, my brother and my husband...and if those relationships are the gifts and support for doing the work in one constant stream, then it was worth it. I never thought I would ever utter those words.

I intend to blog Susie and my experiences, (time and internet connection permitting), while we are in India. Don't worry; it won't be a monologue of tourist sites, even though we will visit a few popular ones. Our predominant intent is to connect to aspects of ourselves that are trying to birth into our present and we hope that this will expand our self-awareness. India is such a fertile ground for enlightened and realised beings to enter. We hope that we meet a few and in sharing their energy will be enriched and opened. We hope you will join us on the inner planes (via the internet) as we share our journey with you.

Big love and Namaste.

Sally   

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au 

 

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” Anais Nin

In my last blog I explored the futility of trying to identify ‘right’ action or even ‘right’ intent insofar as we connect it to cause and effect and a desired outcome. I have had a direct test of my conviction this week.

One of my friends attends an early morning class that supports mind, body and soul and invited me to join her to try it out. I was looking for a new challenge and it seemed that this opportunity arose in response. I had not met the teacher, but I knew of her because she was an ‘enemy’ of another of my friends. The bad blood between them is not merely some catty disagreement, but instead a tsunami of hurt and pain that has changed lives. According to the ego’s position which most of us ascribe to, my friend is the ‘victim’, the other the ‘betrayer’; one is ‘right’ the other ‘wrong’, ‘innocent’ and ‘guilty’… I’m sure you get it; we’re all capable of moral outrage when it suits us. It took me weeks to decide, but I attended the class a few times amid a fair bit of struggle as I tried to reconcile my genuine desire to be there and the implied loyalty to my friend and what that actually translated to in terms of 'right' decisions.

Even though nearly a year had passed since her betrayal first manifested, each time I saw my friend these lines were deepening as she clung to her self-righteousness – I couldn’t blame her. She’s been through the wringer and I genuinely understood her position, I think we all do, for who hasn’t been smashed by heartbreaking betrayal in their own life?  However, to relate to another’s pain is one thing, but to feed the feelings of jealousy, betrayal, anger, resentment that characterise it, is not helpful. I worried often whether my friend would ever leave her pain in the past and winced as I watched it spread into other areas of her life – her present and probably her future. 

I tried to support my friend in the same way that I have supported myself through times of deep angst. Firstly by recognising that while few of us consciously invite pain into our lives, it is an inevitable part of the human journey. Further, that when events occur that are profoundly life changing then they are karmic. This means that it is deep soul work, ‘our stuff’ coming in to be cleared and while we are temporarily stuck with it, we are by no means helpless in how we respond to it. We begin by owning the journey that it initiates – no matter how ugly the circumstances or how victimised we perceive ourselves. 

When we overly identify with the events themselves and fortify our position of ‘right and wrong’, we set up home there, get stuck and inevitably become imprisoned by our own pain, judgement and self-righteousness. It causes us to project our pain into other areas of our life, which leads to sabotage and deep disempowerment. Soon we wonder why more and more situations in our life reflect our pain and we resign that we just have to ‘get through’ another round of challenges. Eventually it can feel as though our whole life is unsupported – maybe then we can turn our focus inward, let go of self-righteousness and in so doing, save ourselves. 

In truth every circumstance has the potential to set us free, even those that cause us the most pain – maybe especially them. My advice has been to look carefully at her responses so as not to layer karma. We spoke of the farmer whose impatience for his crop to grow caused him to ‘pull the shoots’ and ruin them before they could take root. This means to avoid the temptation to manipulate and control in order to be heard or ‘get even’ and instead to allow the events to unfold in their own time in their own way. The only control we have is over our responses and it is in our interest to separate them from the events and let them rise from our wounded, loving heart. I thought I was ‘there’ for her – but then everything changed.

I try to avoid lying, even by omission, so over a meal I revealed to my friend that I had tried the class run by her nemesis. She completely lost it! Did I know it would challenge her? Of course. To the extent that it did? No way! Her entrenched position of right and wrong was now absolute, so my simple intent to try out a new class with another friend became an act of betrayal toward her. While I understood my choice was a trigger for her, the acute pain she was experiencing was not born of the moment – how could it be? - but was instead being pulled from the depths of her heart that was broken nearly a year ago. My simple-intentioned and non-eventful association with her enemy became an act of betrayal so great that it has ruined a friendship. This is the power of feeling, if it is not journeyed it just keeps coming up again and again in different physical guises, carrying more weight, creating more suffering until we cease projecting it ‘out there’ and bring it to rest in our own heart. It can be excruciating, but to feel it, to own it, is to set it free so we can move on. It is the truth behind the Anais Nin quote; “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” 

I have spent a good portion of my life attempting to overcome my own feelings of judgement, hatred, anger and resentment toward people who have actually done deliberate or unwitting harm to me. I do this because I understand that lower feelings like those mentioned are the foundations of ‘hell’ and so support it to anchor into our lives and I don’t want to do that. I simply could not join my friend in shunning or hating this person, for it is in opposition to the loving awareness that I seek, albeit imperfectly, in my life. This is no way detracts from the fact that I deplore this other woman’s actions and the impact they have had on my friend, but I am no one’s judge and jury. I try to avoid the arrogance of claiming to know the true intent of another or what is in their heart, but instead just work on my own. 

We don’t have to ‘correct’ people; their soul has that covered and all of us get the learning at the right time in the right way that absolutely transcends the ‘right’ ego. As spiritual beings, we are all working with enormous challenges as we master our humanity and ALL of us have made poor choices along the way that have harmed others and ourselves. Hiding from those lower choices, denying them and justifying them away as isolated events that ‘happen’ to us, will simply ensure that their affects will emerge somewhere else, at some other time. We call it karma. 

Karma is not reward and punishment, but purification. If we cling to notions of karma as a force of retribution then we will never find peace.  If our happiness or release is dependent upon bearing witness to the suffering of others, even if we consider it deserved and call it ‘karma’, then we are in deep denial of our true loving self and we are residing in hell. I will go to hell with my friends to share the burden and assist them where I can, as many have done for me. But I will not live there. Instead I will use my pain as a way to know the truth of my love, a love that can be shaken but not destroyed by the imperfect, even callous action of myself or others. As I have wrestled with my guilt and blame over choosing the class, the simple practice of returning to my heart and affirming my clear intent has opened me to deeper awareness. May we all recognise that each stone we throw at another will find its way back to us until finally, we willingly  lay it down and so usher in peace.

Namaste

Sally

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au 

Strange days indeed

What a strange day today is, following a strange week, month…actually YEAR!

Susie and I seem to be deeply involved in dismantling our ego self-image at the deepest level at the moment. Everything we consult to shine a light on this initiation, from guides to oracles, point to total rebirth heralding a freedom of being that we have never before encountered. It is my belief that our upcoming trip to India will serve to restore to us long forgotten aspects of our higher selves and that our current challenges of surrender and release are preparing the way for this to occur.

Entrenched karmic relationships have fallen away; old patterns have impacted the physical with never before seen vehemence, all creating a tempest of self-doubt and pain as well as hope and excitement. Susie works with power, I with love and both of us walk tenderly, or should that be tentatively, on the path of divine justice. That is manifesting in ways we could never have predicted, operating completely beyond the ego’s demands of ‘right and wrong”... but that is a topic for another day.

So within all this clearing it is no surprise that I came across an old journal of mine from … wait for it …  1995! It’s positively cringe-worthy. I remember some moments from that year, one being watching a terminally ill Ted Whitten farewell the M.C.G in the arms of his son at the AFL State of Origin - a magic moment. I remember being deeply entrenched in my career as a trainer but nothing compared to how desperately I was trying to find my 'spirit'.  I’m still single, though I make mention of my ‘doormat’ relationship returning, so not sure what was going on there. Pretty sure though it will be a reference to my now husband as we were 'off and on' for many years. (And I was the ‘doormat’ in case you’re wondering, though not anymore!). 

What struck me as I read through the pages of my tattered journal was the indecision and fear that characterised, no dominated, my life. This was well before we began work on Your Beautiful Life and it seems I was always polarised and wound tight as I sought ‘right’ action, decisions and choices. Every feeling, every discomfort, every confront had to be eliminated and that had to be done by ‘right choice’. I was so busy analysing my life I’m surprised I had time left to actually live it. 

As I winced over my “3 possibilities” for the angst I was feeling toward one particular mentor and re-read my list of ‘6 things’ I’d learned from my struggle that led me to eventually leave the group that I actually loved, (yes really!) I could only feel immense gratitude that I no longer lived my life in that way. 

The search for ‘right’ response in connection to a desired outcome is one we make forever in vain. To lean in to life as it is in openness, fearlessness, faith and love is the only response that is necessary. If that is too difficult right now because life is too brutal, simply begin by accepting whatever is occurring in your reality right now and breathe into it. Try to respond in a way that breaks the lower response and attachment to those things that we feel all too easily - that is, jealousy, anger and hatred. This can only be done in the moment, one response at a time. However, those responses will gain mass and life WILL expand accordingly ... my dusty, angst filled 1995 journal is witness to that truth.

In all those pages of fear and uncertainty, I found one sentence that is worth sharing here in love. It crystallises the real source of my fear as well as my deepest hope, proof again that the seeds of one are always found in the other and hence we must master both. Avoidance is futile.

“She who cannot howl, will not find her pack” 

It is dated 1/4/95 and I gave it an entire page to itself – such was my reverence for it.

I can’t remember whether I wrote it or was merely repeating it. I really hope I wrote it and given that wolf is my spirit totem and the punctuation is wrong, I think I did!

Until next time, I hope you hear my howls and our pack continues to grow. I’ll meet you all in the energy of the full moon, in the inner planes of awareness.

Namaste

Sally

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au

The grasp of Chiron

Happy New Year everyone! 

Wow, that proves just how long I’ve been absent from this blog; too long. Have I been too busy? Well…not really, after all I’m not writing war and peace. Perhaps I’ve fallen into old habits of poor commitment and zero discipline? No; my determination to keep this blog going for a year has not waned. Better yet, maybe my life has been so loving and gentle that I had nothing of note to write about. Ha! I wish. 

The reason I haven’t shared here is because I have been immersed in deep karmic circumstances, patterns and pain that have come up to be released. It’s been hard work that, to my dismay, kept revealing deeper layers. I have tried to write here, but every time I was thwarted by a sense of inadequacy as I became aware that there was still more awareness that I needed to anchor. I have had to resist the urge to control and instead allow it all to unfold without clinging or manipulating – it was excruciating. How do I know that it’s karmic? Because the terrible outcomes manifested despite my highest intent and conscious action and have left me with a profound sense of groundlessness - that’s how! 

At around age 50, a milestone I have recently reached, the planetoid Chiron, (centaur, wounded healer) completes its 51 year orbit and returns to the exact astrological position of our birth. The alignment triggers our core wounding for this lifetime to support us to bring it to conscious awareness where it can be healed. (If any of you are 50, I would love to hear what your Chiron return triggered in your life, for it is indeed initiating a doorway to healing, no matter how ugly the threshold).

For me, it has been a deeply challenging experience that has left no illusion untouched. The circumstances have been so deep, painful and groundless that it has been impossible to convey their turmoil and gifts within the confines of this blog. Of course it reaches back to the foundation of this life, but further it seeks the depths of my soul that exists beyond this one lifetime and touches the heart of creation. The ego and all it has clung to is being crucified, but the soul, the soul urges me to own it and to find the love within it. I am slowly reaching for higher awareness, slowly seeing the potential. Interestingly, it was in the phase of opening to that beauty where my heart didn’t just break, it shattered!

Amid betrayal, abandonment and abuse from without, I have glimpsed love, support and oneness from within. As the old falls away I can see that the insecurity left in its wake is an opportunity for me to choose anew.  I can glimpse that in not knowing I can open to new awareness and can avoid rigid patterning and responses that I usually would not question. I had to acknowledge where my highest intent has brought deep pain and have opened with courage to understand why – it is messy and painful to do so. I can now finally embody the truth that any semblance of control or right action is an illusion of the grandest kind. My desire to ‘fix’ has been thwarted and my happy ending decimated so I have had no choice but to immerse myself fully in the pain in each moment. I’ve had nowhere to hide so have wallowed until I resembled a prune - but it has taken me where I needed to go.

So much has cleared and in so doing so much has been revealed. As I have said, the detail cannot be contained within this blog, but I know for sure that I would never have been able to navigate these past weeks without resorting to blame, denial and endless stories if not for the work of YBL. It has helped me to lean into the pain rather than deny it or push it away. I am learning to be in life as it is, in each moment. Soon it will be time for me to emerge from my cocoon, open my wounds the air and begin a new life. In about a month I go to India, a destination that was seeded in me when I was about 21. I have great hope (but no attachment) that I will find some sort of truth there and that this time of tribulation has been toiling the ground to enable the seeds of truth to be planted. So let it be!

I’m very happy to be connecting here again and I hope I can resume more regular sharing from now on. Thanks for your patience and support.

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au 

Namaste

Sally.