The truth about the butterfly

My work has continued to keep me busy since I last wrote and this week I’ll raise you a house guest, my hubby overseas and a milestone birthday celebration, so it is no wonder I haven’t checked in for a while. As wonderful as these distractions have been, in truth the real reason I have been absent is that I don’t have a great deal going on that I can share. I’m actually really happy and very content and without some sort of pain pushing me inward, I’m a little lost for material to delve into.

Each morning I undertake a ritual that draws my energy to the present moment so that I can be mindful of my higher intent throughout the day. It always involves incense, a white candle, white grandfather sage and one of my many oracles. As I smudged and centred myself today, I didn’t even have a pressing concern to seek guidance on, so I simply opened to receive “what I most needed to know”. There was not even a hint of fear, trepidation, or even anticipation for that matter, just this open hearted calmness. For a person who has often found herself immersed in spiritual tests through ‘dark night of the soul’, transcending fear around anything spiritual is all very new to me. I drew the card ‘Butterfly’ which signals transformation and change. It is completely appropriate.

Nearly exactly one year ago I entered a process of dramatic change. Initially I resisted it, looking for a way out through spirit, grabbing at anything, my oracles, pendulum, healers and more.  I didn’t want to enter the darkness; I didn’t understand its beauty, its power or its unassailable link to the light.  It was only the runes that were honest with me and consistently reiterated that I had commenced a cycle of deep and dark initiation that would take one whole year. I didn’t want to know and resisted what was occurring until I found myself bound, gagged and completely on my knees.

The early stages of this initiation were worse than I could ever have imagined and it only relented when I surrendered to the chrysalis form and became one with the dark rest. Such death/rebirth sounds very romantic through the analogy of the caterpillar becoming a butterfly, but don’t be fooled, it is a passage of travail. In reality, the pain and limitation of the cocoon and the transformation that occurs within it, is dark, unyielding and without even a hint of the beauty that awaits in rebirth. For me, it was death on every level except physically, and even then, there were occasions when I would have welcomed even that.

In my experience, that time in isolation, where I lay in the darkness without foundation or hope opened me to face and release everything that I could not willingly let go but that no longer served me. Ironically, it was my painful patterns that I clung to -all those situations that still hurt me, that I couldn’t transcend, the torment and betrayal all coalesced back to my very own heart where I had to own it. There was no ‘them’ who did ‘this’; there was only the truth of my soul as creator of my experience. Without all the outward projection and justification I was left simply in the moment of my life – as it was. As I embraced it all in feeling, I responded in the moment and let go of what I no longer wanted to hold in my heart, even though it had to be wrenched away at times.

I had no vision of what I was to become and so no grand beauty to hope for, hence I had no road map to follow or idea of ‘right’ action. But I had my soul - it is all each of us needs. I floundered in the dark - my dark - for a year, but I was always seeking the light -my light. Within that intent my choices became clearer and my past came forward to be healed. I have been free of the cocoon for a few months or so, but I am only now noticing my wings. I think they are beautiful.

Everything has changed. With the release of my old patterns I have also set free those I love from what I thought were their patterns. In seeing my-self so differently, my perception of how others treat me has also radically altered. Conceptually, I have always known that we see the world the way we see ourselves. Today though, I am not merely contemplating that truth, but instead I am living it. It is utterly liberating. 

I am seeing all my relationships with new awareness and their sweetness is both intoxicating and revealing.  I understand life will continue to present challenges to my newfound peace and contentment. But for the first time, I feel as though I will be able to see them clearly from the balanced perspective of soul rather than my old narrow focus of conditioned, wounded ego responses. It is an interesting time of coming into conscious awareness of our greater truth and I look forward to what I might be able to learn from it.

More than 30 years ago, I was told by a spiritual reader that I had opted to get all my lessons over and done with in the first half of my life. I can’t deny that it has felt that way, with my journey being characterised by such deep unrelenting initiation and pain. I do feel as though my life has indeed been divided into before and after this year long initiation. Surprisingly, I have no attachment to the future, but instead an all-encompassing passion for the present. I would never have guessed that I could have transcended that…maybe I really have been reborn.

Namaste

Sally

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au 

  

   

Is pain easier to live with than freedom?

Today is a strange day indeed! The sky is heavy with grey clouds, the temperature cool, the house silent (which is rare) and my care factor is zero! (Though I did manage a shower - go me). 

I am coming down from a month of intense spiritual work. It began with a ruthless edit of our book Your Beautiful Life www.yourbeautifullife.com.au where no chapter was spared scrutiny. Then I co-wrote a new one day workshop just in time to fly to Melbourne and spend 10 days jointly running various events. I came home to more tweaking of the book in conjunction with Susie as we scrambled to meet our publisher’s deadline of 29^th Oct. Much to our delight we made it with mere hours to spare. We are both ecstatic with the finished work but perhaps most excited by the beauty of our brand new cover. It’s been a massive project for all involved and I should be able to relax into a sense of completion and satisfaction, but instead I am restless and broody- so I write in search of clarity.

I began my spiritual exploration when I was barely out of my teens and was very troubled. In truth I wasn’t looking for the meaning of life nearly as much as an escape from my distress. I was captivated by notions of Universal love and support and fell in love with all of my teachers who embodied them so beautifully. Despite this, I was usually deeply uncomfortable in their presence. I now recognise that I simply couldn’t reconcile the contradiction of my inner self-loathing with the experience of their unconditional love. You can’t hold love if there is no space within for it to rest and take root and back then I was over-flowing with feelings of loss and abandonment. 

So despite all the beauty that spirituality promised, the pathway for me has always been characterised by a sense of longing for an inner truth that has remained just out of reach. The more I opened to spiritual truth, the more work there was for me to do. In the humble delight of each small harvest, there were a thousand more fields to be planted. It was a relentless process that often seemed more like torment than evolution. For more than half my life I have been involved in a relationship of unrequited love with spirit that at times has nearly broken me but from which I could not extricate myself. But today that has changed and I am seriously freaking out!

There are a great many personal reasons why I haven’t given up the spiritual path, but there has been only one physical concern that has kept me planted in the journey, at least for the past 15 years, and that is undoubtedly our book Your Beautiful Life.  Today though it is finished; I mean really finished. What began in humble circumstances with only four of us has finally reached maturity nurtured by the energy of all those who have so far been drawn to it. When you join the YBL tribe you contribute to a collective imprint that connects our souls and opens the way for others to follow. None of us can know the heart of another, for it can only be revealed willingly, not usurped. For this reason we cherish each heart that offered us their truth, their pain and their beauty and so expanded our work to fruition. We love you all. 

So all this sounds so great, why on Earth then, am I freaking out? Well, I had no idea the pathway would take the turns it has which is lucky because I probably wouldn’t have stepped onto it in the first place, but here I am. My spiritual life has always been more than a hobby and while I have been accused of pretending to be ‘spiritual and fair’, (but not by anyone who has actually met me) those closest to me would attest to my dedication that sometimes resembles obsession. However I have never navigated my spiritual life without the notions of wanting, yearning or needing at its foundation. With the book finished, that foundation has simply vanished.

I am seriously groundless without my familiar sense of ‘have to’ to keep me on track. I know I have achieved more than a book. I have completed my soul’s plan and purpose and I now realise that I never truly believed I would consciously achieve that, let alone recognise it in the moment. Further, I reckon I made it just in time and the race to the publisher’s deadline was an outer reflection of that truth. I have to wonder how I will now continue to expand my spiritual path without a burning sense of loss or lack to fuel my fire? I am cautiously excited to find out! 

Only a few months ago I had decided to take the words “I want” out of my vocabulary, and now it seems that I am required to embody that intent. I know how I would like my life to be as a state of inner presence in feeling and I have to say I am still a fair way from that truth - but at least I can sense it. I am resisting the urge to contemplate how it all should look, for at the end of the day, that would be just another thing to have to let go of.

Tomorrow is a new day for me and I need to open to a new way of being in my life. I am relying on nothing more than my intent to be fully present in the moment and open to loving awareness. There is no plan, no checklist and nothing to measure and so nothing to pass or fail at. I believe that the completion of our YBL work is an indication that I have finally transcended the disempowering aspects of my core belief and now have the opportunity to embody its polarity of empowerment. It is new territory for me to be truly free to choose between old conditioning and the groundlessness of the moment. The responsibility inherent in the freedom to choose is daunting. For the first time I understand the concept of clinging to our pain; it is at least familiar and so gives us a sense of permanence in an otherwise impermanent world - but I'm done with it. Maybe you are too.

I’ll keep you posted and as always love hearing from you all.

Namaste

Sally

I am loving awareness (and so are you)

I arrived home a few days ago following a fantastic time working in Melbourne. Susie, (the co-author of Your Beautiful Life) and I facilitated spiritual events ranging from general and soul channeling to intensive workshops and open discussion groups. It was an amazing time characterised by such depth, love, compassion and awe that I am finding it challenging to gracefully ‘drop’ back in to my old ego routine. 

I can't seem to let go of the themes we explored during those events, some of which included justice, rage, beauty, gridding, connection, freedom, honour, groundlessness and more. I know I must avoid cultivating attachment to what has passed or what might still be, however I'm struggling to find the middle ground, that is, the spiritual path. The hooks of what once triggered me are less sharp but the hooks to the guides perspective I witness in the channeling space are exerting pressure. I want to surrender (escape) to that place of spirit where even the darkest energy returns to unity. It is an interesting conundrum to witness in the self, as I trade one attachment for another and consciously try to release them all.

Truly the higher perspective of guided wisdom fans my inner flame so much that I don’t want to let go in case it diminishes. It once again shows me where I think I am not, as I assume that all I experienced was only a reflection of the guides' intelligence and so not part of me. I need to accept that I, even in my imperfection, play a pivotal role in what emerges in the sacred channeling space - as does every person whom I channel for. Each connection is an intimate and unique experience because of the truth of co-creation. The greatest blessing of an open heart is the awareness of soul that it ushers in - there is nothing like it and I can't blame myself for holding on to it so tenderly.

As I now let it all go and return to the mundane, all I can do is sit in the knowing that the grace I have witnessed did indeed filter through my own heart and so will continue to influence my life. I intend to seek loving awareness in the meals I prepare, the washing I do, the resistance in the yoga pose and in the eyes of all I meet. To quote Dogen: “If you can’t find truth where you are, where else do you expect to find it?” Maybe I will ascend as I wash the dishes! 

It has been so long since I ventured back to this blog that I had to read over the last entry just to get my bearings. Meditation was my last focus, which is fortunate, as I headed out to resume my Buddhist teaching on that very subject last night. It was challenging to anchor in single pointed meditation and not slip in to the rich world of the guides. I must continue to persevere though, as I clear my attachment I have an inkling that the irony will be that my channel to the guides will deepen. It is all the motivation I need. 

Last night in class I received my first mantra and I must say I love it. My much loved mala bracelet is now more than a mere trinket as I use it in the traditional way to count the recitation of the mantra. I have to say it is helping me let go of distraction because my mind is busy on all planes of awareness. I need to continually monitor my physical posture, count the mala beads for the recitation, concentrate on the breath, the heart connection to light, the abiding in the heart and then release it all so it definitely keeps the mind from wondering what is for dinner or reaching to speak to guides. I highly recommend it as a practice.

My affirmation for the week is an ongoing intent that I wish to embody. I am focusing on being loving awareness. I see it as a life’s work, where all other lessons and initiations will emerge from. I hope to be able to share my experiences with this intent from now on, rather than work on individual affirmations.

Until next we connect.

Namaste

Sally

 www.yourbeautifullife.com.au

Meditation is fun - for 5 minutes

Take time to meditate

This was really fun…for the first day; then I just became bored. Listening to the contents of my mind is acutely dull – I mean, I’ve heard it all before. Worse I see my faults so clearly and I always seem to want to ‘get’ somewhere rather than be ‘here now’. Dull and pathetic it seems! No wonder I dislike it - but in truth my aversion stems back to my youth.

The ‘new age’ meditation of my past was usually characterised by visualisation which for me became another thing to be attached to, fail at and feel bad about. In many of these spiritual groups, the sharing of guided visual meditation experiences often deteriorated in to a contest of who had the most profound insight, who could best visualise their ideal life and who could reach the ‘highest’ insight and hang out with the guides. To me, even back then, it smacked of all manner of grasping and yearning that needed to be addressed in real life in the moment, rather than an hour a week in ‘group’. On top of that, for all of my visualisation effort, most desires remained unfulfilled and so meditation deepened the abyss I was trying to cover with ‘love and light’ rather than healed it – just like affirmation it seemed.

If you want to really sabotage your spiritual growth and polarise your own inner wisdom, just compare your inner unfolding to that of another, either in superiority or inferiority – both are equally damaging. If you are a beginner to meditation, you need to find a teacher who understands this and does not value or validate one experience over another. I prefer to do my guided meditations alone, with an IPod in nature so I can feel my body and environment as well. The guidance is focussed around energy work and never about the manifestation of a desired object or event. Why would I meditate to bring in further attachment? I meditate to get clear, to link in to the Global Grid, the OM vibration of my heart and try to make room for more light. There is no moment or nothing I could identify however, as proof of it actually working. This week I have come to understand that it is the practice that is the key, not the search for outcomes amid inconsistent effort. I have massive commitment issues so it is quite a realisation for me and more than a little intimidating.

So I have absolutely conceded that meditation is a critical aspect of spiritual practice and one that I definitely need to develop further, way beyond the weekly focus for this blog. Up until now, I have justified my reluctance to hold a daily meditation practice because I believe, in some ways, I that am always meditating since I am always mindful of seeking the highest awareness in my day to day life. This does not mean that I always embody it, far from it in fact, but I am nearly always looking for it, even when I’m wallowing in density and judgement. Yet, in the limited genuine practice I do manage each week in yoga, I am hopeless at staying on track as my mind runs wild and I entertain all sorts of tangents. It is clear that I need to go deeper and rework my relationship to meditation, transform it, heal it and make it an ally.

So I am going to learn to meditate all over again, starting fresh with a brand new practice. I want to genuinely still the mind, honour the silence, become empty and sit in allowance rather than grasping for what ‘should’ be or what I want. I’ve signed up for an 8 week “Calm abiding meditation” course, also known as Shamatha where I will learn single pointed meditation. I will do so under the guidance of a Buddhist Monk who, of course, embodies stillness and non-attachment as a way of life.  With such a teacher at least I know I won’t have to worry about feeling superior…I just hope I can stay clear of feeling inferior too!

I’m not divining an affirmation this week, instead I am going to write an account of the first meditation class that I will begin next Tuesday. Before then, I have a long weekend on the Gold Coast and time with my gorgeous kids for school holidays, so I should be primed after that and ready for some stillness.

Until then, have a great week.

Namaste

Sally

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au