Strange days indeed

What a strange day today is, following a strange week, month…actually YEAR!

Susie and I seem to be deeply involved in dismantling our ego self-image at the deepest level at the moment. Everything we consult to shine a light on this initiation, from guides to oracles, point to total rebirth heralding a freedom of being that we have never before encountered. It is my belief that our upcoming trip to India will serve to restore to us long forgotten aspects of our higher selves and that our current challenges of surrender and release are preparing the way for this to occur.

Entrenched karmic relationships have fallen away; old patterns have impacted the physical with never before seen vehemence, all creating a tempest of self-doubt and pain as well as hope and excitement. Susie works with power, I with love and both of us walk tenderly, or should that be tentatively, on the path of divine justice. That is manifesting in ways we could never have predicted, operating completely beyond the ego’s demands of ‘right and wrong”... but that is a topic for another day.

So within all this clearing it is no surprise that I came across an old journal of mine from … wait for it …  1995! It’s positively cringe-worthy. I remember some moments from that year, one being watching a terminally ill Ted Whitten farewell the M.C.G in the arms of his son at the AFL State of Origin - a magic moment. I remember being deeply entrenched in my career as a trainer but nothing compared to how desperately I was trying to find my 'spirit'.  I’m still single, though I make mention of my ‘doormat’ relationship returning, so not sure what was going on there. Pretty sure though it will be a reference to my now husband as we were 'off and on' for many years. (And I was the ‘doormat’ in case you’re wondering, though not anymore!). 

What struck me as I read through the pages of my tattered journal was the indecision and fear that characterised, no dominated, my life. This was well before we began work on Your Beautiful Life and it seems I was always polarised and wound tight as I sought ‘right’ action, decisions and choices. Every feeling, every discomfort, every confront had to be eliminated and that had to be done by ‘right choice’. I was so busy analysing my life I’m surprised I had time left to actually live it. 

As I winced over my “3 possibilities” for the angst I was feeling toward one particular mentor and re-read my list of ‘6 things’ I’d learned from my struggle that led me to eventually leave the group that I actually loved, (yes really!) I could only feel immense gratitude that I no longer lived my life in that way. 

The search for ‘right’ response in connection to a desired outcome is one we make forever in vain. To lean in to life as it is in openness, fearlessness, faith and love is the only response that is necessary. If that is too difficult right now because life is too brutal, simply begin by accepting whatever is occurring in your reality right now and breathe into it. Try to respond in a way that breaks the lower response and attachment to those things that we feel all too easily - that is, jealousy, anger and hatred. This can only be done in the moment, one response at a time. However, those responses will gain mass and life WILL expand accordingly ... my dusty, angst filled 1995 journal is witness to that truth.

In all those pages of fear and uncertainty, I found one sentence that is worth sharing here in love. It crystallises the real source of my fear as well as my deepest hope, proof again that the seeds of one are always found in the other and hence we must master both. Avoidance is futile.

“She who cannot howl, will not find her pack” 

It is dated 1/4/95 and I gave it an entire page to itself – such was my reverence for it.

I can’t remember whether I wrote it or was merely repeating it. I really hope I wrote it and given that wolf is my spirit totem and the punctuation is wrong, I think I did!

Until next time, I hope you hear my howls and our pack continues to grow. I’ll meet you all in the energy of the full moon, in the inner planes of awareness.

Namaste

Sally

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au

The grasp of Chiron

Happy New Year everyone! 

Wow, that proves just how long I’ve been absent from this blog; too long. Have I been too busy? Well…not really, after all I’m not writing war and peace. Perhaps I’ve fallen into old habits of poor commitment and zero discipline? No; my determination to keep this blog going for a year has not waned. Better yet, maybe my life has been so loving and gentle that I had nothing of note to write about. Ha! I wish. 

The reason I haven’t shared here is because I have been immersed in deep karmic circumstances, patterns and pain that have come up to be released. It’s been hard work that, to my dismay, kept revealing deeper layers. I have tried to write here, but every time I was thwarted by a sense of inadequacy as I became aware that there was still more awareness that I needed to anchor. I have had to resist the urge to control and instead allow it all to unfold without clinging or manipulating – it was excruciating. How do I know that it’s karmic? Because the terrible outcomes manifested despite my highest intent and conscious action and have left me with a profound sense of groundlessness - that’s how! 

At around age 50, a milestone I have recently reached, the planetoid Chiron, (centaur, wounded healer) completes its 51 year orbit and returns to the exact astrological position of our birth. The alignment triggers our core wounding for this lifetime to support us to bring it to conscious awareness where it can be healed. (If any of you are 50, I would love to hear what your Chiron return triggered in your life, for it is indeed initiating a doorway to healing, no matter how ugly the threshold).

For me, it has been a deeply challenging experience that has left no illusion untouched. The circumstances have been so deep, painful and groundless that it has been impossible to convey their turmoil and gifts within the confines of this blog. Of course it reaches back to the foundation of this life, but further it seeks the depths of my soul that exists beyond this one lifetime and touches the heart of creation. The ego and all it has clung to is being crucified, but the soul, the soul urges me to own it and to find the love within it. I am slowly reaching for higher awareness, slowly seeing the potential. Interestingly, it was in the phase of opening to that beauty where my heart didn’t just break, it shattered!

Amid betrayal, abandonment and abuse from without, I have glimpsed love, support and oneness from within. As the old falls away I can see that the insecurity left in its wake is an opportunity for me to choose anew.  I can glimpse that in not knowing I can open to new awareness and can avoid rigid patterning and responses that I usually would not question. I had to acknowledge where my highest intent has brought deep pain and have opened with courage to understand why – it is messy and painful to do so. I can now finally embody the truth that any semblance of control or right action is an illusion of the grandest kind. My desire to ‘fix’ has been thwarted and my happy ending decimated so I have had no choice but to immerse myself fully in the pain in each moment. I’ve had nowhere to hide so have wallowed until I resembled a prune - but it has taken me where I needed to go.

So much has cleared and in so doing so much has been revealed. As I have said, the detail cannot be contained within this blog, but I know for sure that I would never have been able to navigate these past weeks without resorting to blame, denial and endless stories if not for the work of YBL. It has helped me to lean into the pain rather than deny it or push it away. I am learning to be in life as it is, in each moment. Soon it will be time for me to emerge from my cocoon, open my wounds the air and begin a new life. In about a month I go to India, a destination that was seeded in me when I was about 21. I have great hope (but no attachment) that I will find some sort of truth there and that this time of tribulation has been toiling the ground to enable the seeds of truth to be planted. So let it be!

I’m very happy to be connecting here again and I hope I can resume more regular sharing from now on. Thanks for your patience and support.

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au 

Namaste

Sally.

 

Never put anyone out of your heart.

I’ve been absent I know and I apologise. It is partly because of school holidays and the call of pool volleyball, shopping and movies, but mostly because I have just been so busy being, well, happy… (aaand it’s gone). So I’ve returned because now I have something to write about that doesn’t involve my family pool games and my superior serve!

For some time I have been working with purification of my ego, power centre and intent –well really we all have been, whether we know it or not. There’s no magic formula to do this and certainly no right, wrong or moral righteousness that one can cling to. Purification is a process that emerges in grace from a deep heart connection to the unique, intimate journey each individual is on – a journey that appears to be shrouded in confusion and injustice for most of us.  However, our higher self orchestrates this process through the events of our lives and accordingly, we truly need to turn into all our circumstances, rather than away from them. Hence spirituality is nothing more than opening to all aspects of the human journey- as it is. This is the only way we can recognise the opportunities that abound in every now moment, each offering us a doorway to heal our own injustice and confusion. As we seek our higher awareness we begin to realise that it is also seeking us – everywhere, in the here now of life. 

The past year has been challenging for almost everyone I know. For me, it has been a dance between the, at times unbearable intensity of the purification fire and the wonderment of rebirth. I have marvelled at the open hearted awareness I have anchored. I have wavered in the integrity of my responses of course, however have been delighted when I could disconnect from power plays, reach out and connect when my heart guided me to and soften the ego’s protests and judgements with a simple willingness to be vulnerable. I felt that I was beginning to live, for the most part, (traffic not included) a more loving awareness and perhaps had even managed to solidify one or two higher responses patterns. At the same time, my life reflected a calm grace that was a delight to witness and was greatly appreciated.

Through the inevitable triggers and initiations of this period, I remained mindful of a one sentence utterance from the Guru Maharajji - “Never put anyone out of your heart.” While simple to contemplate, in practice this statement is particularly challenging, revealing and humbling. It definitely helped me to stay present and focussed every time I wanted to condemn someone, even when their actions were deplorable and the ego felt justified; but it also created an ongoing experience of groundlessness that I admit I have been struggling with.

There is no doubt that certain people in my life need to be removed and in addition, there are others who will choose to remove themselves from me. Okay I accept that, it’s all part of life as we bump, push and whack each other while we fumble through our purification pathways. The groundlessness for me arose from two considerations:

1.       How do I throw someone toxic out of my life without resorting to throwing them out of my heart like I really want to, and

2.       How do I let go of someone I love who leaves me and avoid the pain of continuing to carry them in my heart? My lower response wants to make them bad so that they take the love with them when they leave.

So these questions have been on my mind and yet they can’t be satisfied there – believe me I’ve tried! They can only be answered with the heart, because that is where the love is. Where I have continued to love people, even while they harm me, my life becomes darker, complicated, harder and fraught with deceit and betrayal. When I have opened to the love I feel for those who have thrown me away, the pain of abandonment was excruciating. So I sat in that groundlessness, looking for an authentic way to experience the truth of Maharajji’s command, without burying or projecting my feelings or condemning others. It was all pretty sticky.

All I could do was surrender and keep looking for the higher self initiations as they entered my normal day to day life, revealing the doorway into my own inner wisdom. Of course, just when I thought I had a handle on things, it all changed and I was reminded, somewhat brutally, that initiation can never, ever be pre-empted. For this reason, I have never been so convinced of the need to know and understand our core belief and the patterns that feed it in order to open in worthiness and awareness to our own unique ascension roadmap. Once again, knowing my core belief and recognising its manifestation in the physical has allowed me to open to my life events – and grow. 

This initiation was physically benign compared to the police stand-off I recently found myself  and in which I was relatively unphased. Ironically however, it triggered a tsunami of feeling and verbal accusation in my response that came from the depths of my inner child and roared its way out for the first time in 50 years! I imagine it was like an exorcism. I was shocked by my outrage, my hurt and my utter disbelief and just as I was about to condemn myself for failing to hold my light amid a toxic situation, spirit gifted me with the following quote:

Only the heart can contain both our perfection and our humanity ~ Jack Kornfield 

Thankfully it changed everything.

To be continued ….

 Namaste Sally

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au 

Victim, creator or witness? Instalment 3 of 3

Cont’d

I wanted to be ready to heed any instruction from the policeman so I fixed my gaze upon him, despite his attention never leaving the perpetrator. As I continued to observe the situation, I witnessed, to some degree, his story playing out in the moment. I sensed his adrenalin, his frustration, his anger. I watched as his police training of restraint wrestled with his human desire for action and justice. I thought of his Mum, his loved one’s and wondered what made someone want to face these situations as simply another day at work. All this was racing through my mind...and I didn't even think to lock my car door, because I wasn't actually fearful. As I continued to stare at him, I sensed that the wrestling match was over, the decision made – and he wasn’t going to shoot. Within seconds, the guy in the car must have sensed it too, because he made his getaway, menacing pedestrians and traffic as he sped away. I learned later that this chase began at 4am and only finished at 5pm that night and - you guessed it, it was all about drugs. The incident I was involved in was at 10.30am – who’d be a police officer hey?

After the car sped away, the policeman walked away without acknowledging me. Time stood still during the stand-off but the instant it was over, the traffic moved again as if a spell was broken.  The carnage that this driver had caused was ahead of me and was the reason I had stopped where I did. There were several smashed cars strewn on the road that bore testimony that this had been an ongoing pursuit. While I was of course, affected by this incident, as I said, I wasn't frightened. Instead I was deeply compelled and fascinated by the co-creation, what it meant and why it happened. I knew that it was the third physical manifestation that I had been waiting for. The lesson couldn’t have been clearer if I scripted it my self – oh hang on - I did!

It demonstrated that we have no control over the surface day to day ego level of our lives, even though we cultivate the illusion that we do. As I realised that lack of control, the concept of 'witness' anchored, a concept I had been working with for some time. There was nothing I could have done at an ego level to prevent me from being in that place at that time. In fact, it was a seemingly benign and innocent ego urge to count my k’s that actually put me there! My car was originally parked about 50 metres away from where the smashes occurred. Even if divine timing had returned me to my car when it was all happening, I still would have been outside of the event rather than right in the nucleus of it. 

All I could do in the moment was witness what I had co-created and be open to what it was showing me. I accepted the truth that I can’t stop life happening to me, the good, the bad and the ugly. All I can do is open to the divine truth that weaves through all experience and then let the will of heaven flow through me. It could all be over tomorrow, so I don’t want to waste today with worry. In truth, in terms of our mortality, we are safe nowhere if our time is up and safe everywhere if it is not. As I sat in my car I knew that there was nothing I could do to influence the events in which I found myself. There was no action that would ensure my safety, no affirmation that would influence the outcome, so I just opened to the experience. 

Despite the fact that I was temporarily powerless, I could sense that it was actually only physically. In my soul, I was free to surrender to the moment by cultivating true presence, rather than aligning with victimhood, fear or fate. Massive changes were occurring within my energy and I became acutely aware of my ego attachment to outcome, control and right action - and felt it all let go. My response to this situation was a microcosm of how I should approach my whole life; in the moment, in willingness and surrender.

I will no longer judge things gone wrong in my life as punishment or evidence of my ineptitude. Instead I will cultivate awareness that no matter what we face, it all originates from Divine Will and hence I will mindfully  try to rise to meet its perspective like the eagle. There is no pain in spirit, so we come to Earth where it is rampant. No matter how hard we try to push it away, it will always find us and there can be no doubt that it opens us in ways that joy, while glorious, does not.

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional said Buddha. I now understand. This incident did not clear my angst around my health, but it did absolutely put it in perspective. When I am having tests, fear is a normal response and I should allow it rather than suppress or deny. However, I need to allow it to wash over me and breathe into the next moment until it flows away. The key is to not cling to the fear once that moment is gone. I could have died in that incident – and didn’t. I could have died through ill health – and didn’t. Life is a moment to moment experience for us all. Right now I am full of hope, love and a contentment that I have never before been able to hold. It is beautiful and I want to try to flow with that and continue this empowered journey to its depths

.

I will always manifest what I need to grow and it won’t always be palatable to the ego. Sometimes when I contemplate my lack of control I feel the seeds of fear popping. I’m trying hard not to water them. Fear is a waste of energy and stops us from learning what we are here to learn. Was it Gandhi who said “Fearlessness is a prerequisite of a spiritual life?” How ironic that I have walked the path for nearly 30 years and am just now cultivating a prerequisite. I look forward to 2016 – whatever it brings.

www.yourbeautifullife.com.au 

Namaste 

Sally